A Positive Testimony

I was reading some of the posts I've made on this blog so far, and they seem negative. So I'd like to write about something more positive.

My wife and I went out on a nice date last night. We went for a little hike along a trail at a local creek, which we had never been to before. Then we went out to dinner at a nice restaurant and ate a duck.

We hadn't been on a date in a few weeks, so it was really nice to have some time just to talk to each other and be together.

Like other Mormons, marriage and family is very important to me. See, for example, this excerpt from the Church's page on marriage:

Because marriage is such an important relationship in life, it needs and deserves time over less-important commitments. Couples can strengthen their marriage as they take time to talk together and to listen to one another, to be thoughtful and respectful, and to express tender feelings and affection often.

I'd like to bear my testimony of this principle. I know it's true.

Makeup Sex is the Best Kind

My wife and I had an argument last night. It's a rare occurrence. After we put the kids to bed, we talked for an hour or two. We openly shared our feelings, we laughed, and we settled our differences. By the end of it, I was feeling very good and very happy with our relationship.

Naturally, I wanted to seal the deal with some reconciliatory lovemaking. She was too tired. It's just part of the yin and yang of our relationship, I guess. When I'm cynical, she's happy; when I'm happy, she's cynical. When I want to go out, she wants to stay home; when I want to stay home, she wants to go out. We balance each other out.

I expect we'll practice the marital act tonight. It won't be quite as sweet as just after resolving a fight, but it ought to be good anyway. Next time we fight, I'll make sure to have it finished early with plenty of time left over for us to fully express our forgiveness towards one another.

Being the Kind of Person I Would Want to Marry

In my youth, I used to make a lot of lists. One list I used to keep was one of requirements in a future wife. Since families are forever, you only get one chance at this thing, so you had better pick a good woman. Marriage is serious business to Mormons.

So, this morning I was thinking, hypothetically, about what that list would be like now. If I were to be evaluating women for marriage, what would I look for? Here's the list of personality traits I came up with:

1. She's happy, cheerful, and optimistic. She keeps things positive. She is not bubbly or giggly, but she is not bitter or depressed either. A solemn, sincere, deep happiness.
2. She takes good care of her physical appearance. She has good teeth and hair. She is physically fit and healthy. She smiles a lot and has good skin. She dresses well.
3. She's polite and kind. She treats others with empathy and respect. She is honest, clean, and virtuous.
4. She has friends and family who are upright and successful. She expects those around her to follow a strict code of conduct.
5. She does interesting things. She goes places and experiences life first-hand. She is involved in interesting pursuits and activities.

I went through this exercise because a recent post at By Common Consent caught my attention. It's about a woman who wanted to marry a doctor and then--surprise--became a doctor herself instead. It occurred to me that the reason I would want to marry a woman who is cheerful, polite, and clean, is because that's the kind of life I want to live myself, and a wife with those traits would facilitate that.

So, how am I measuring up?

1. I used to be very optimistic and happy, but my mood has been kind of dark lately. My religious faith, which used to be a source of happiness for me, has suffered. My job is getting progressively less interesting and more drudgery. I spend most of my time, both at work and home, doing things I don't enjoy but which other people want me to do. I'm anxious about the economy. All these things have kept me from exercising my normally very positive disposition.
2. I only do the bare minimum in the physical appearance department. I go to the gym occasionally, and I keep myself washed and clean, but I could be doing more. I should wear slacks more often instead of jeans; I should buy more new, well-fitting clothing. I ought to get my hair cut more frequently and shave closer. The root problem is that I am tired all the time (from working long hours, babysitting, and staying up too late so I can actually talk to my wife now and then.) Also, I feel guilty spending time or money on myself, since I feel like I ought to be giving it all to my family.
3. I'm usually nice to people, but I don't make a special effort. I ought to make a goal to facilitate happiness in others, and stick to it, even if it means going out of my way to talk to or visit people. I have also become kind of selfish and greedy lately. I disparage the poor, I resent paying tithing, and I pirate software. I should strive to live with more integrity. I should be more generous with strangers.
   
4. Most of my family is poor (I can't help that), and I don't have many good friends otherwise. My father is in prison. I don't really know how to do better in this part; maybe by buying a house in a new subdivision and getting friendly with the neighbors? Most of my current neighbors are old.
5. I get on kicks sometimes where I make things, which is fun, but I don't have the time to do any serious recreation. It's hard to find time for any of this because my children are very young and require a lot of time and attention; and my wife often needs me to babysit so she can have time alone to do her homework for school. My work has demanded that we put in more time lately, so I'm gone from home for about 10 1/2 hours a day. I don't know how to fit interesting activities into my schedule.

So, I've got some things to work on. I'll start today. Maybe by being a better person, I can improve the lives of those around me, and be happier too.

Marriage: An Eternal Life Sentence

I never really got into dating like I assume most guys do. I met my wife when we were 16; we immediately fell in love, and we got married during our second semester of college. We've been married for six years now and we have two kids. Our relationship is great, we're best friends, and she's a very good wife and mother. (She's also extremely good at cooking, but by some miracle I am still thin.) We're happy together.

It gets kind of boring sometimes, though. I miss the the thrill of the chase. Our relationship in High School was exciting. I miss those early tingles of excitement, falling in love, and our first kiss. I miss making out for hours at a time and writing love notes. Given the choice between dating and being married, though, I'd definitely choose marriage. For all the highs of dating, there were just as many lows. Marriage is kind of level all the time, which is solid, safe, and predictable. I like predictable.

Although I went on a few token dates with other girls before I was married, in order to avoid steady-dating, these dates never went anywhere. I've never kissed any girl other than my wife. While this feeds my purity ethic really well, it also leaves me curious about how my life would be if I had dated around more before getting married. Is the grass really greener on the other side?

I should make it clear that I am not interested in leaving my wife or having an affair. For one thing, I've got very high standards for a mistress, which makes an opportunity for cheating unlikely. For example, one of my requirements is that she be younger than me, which automatically excludes all the women at work. There's no one in my social network right now who meets my eligibility criteria, so I think I am safe for now. I'd like to say that I'm simply immune to being attracted to other women, but let's face it, there's some point at which everyone would crack, myself included. In the mean time, I maintain a healthy respect of my own human weaknesses.

I used to have a fair number of female friends when I was a teenager. Not anymore. Outside of my family, I don't have any female friends. Not one. I understand this is a fairly common phenomenon for married Mormons. I miss the mixed-gender associations I used to have, though. I miss dating, laughing, flirting, or just having fun with girls. It made me feel happy and successful, especially when my wit was on and they would laugh at my jokes.

Given the alternatives, I think marriage is the best option. But sometimes it can feel like a life sentence. I miss being young and free. I'm only 25, but I feel much older.