A Positive Testimony

I was reading some of the posts I've made on this blog so far, and they seem negative. So I'd like to write about something more positive.

My wife and I went out on a nice date last night. We went for a little hike along a trail at a local creek, which we had never been to before. Then we went out to dinner at a nice restaurant and ate a duck.

We hadn't been on a date in a few weeks, so it was really nice to have some time just to talk to each other and be together.

Like other Mormons, marriage and family is very important to me. See, for example, this excerpt from the Church's page on marriage:

Because marriage is such an important relationship in life, it needs and deserves time over less-important commitments. Couples can strengthen their marriage as they take time to talk together and to listen to one another, to be thoughtful and respectful, and to express tender feelings and affection often.

I'd like to bear my testimony of this principle. I know it's true.

Garments and Physical Protection

My brother, whom I will call Daryl*, was using a blow torch yesterday and burned a hole in his pants. His garments were untouched. He and his wife, who are quite faithful, admired this fact, apparently ascribing it to the miraculous protective properties of the garment.

As for myself, I love the garment. I feel comfortable in it. Since I first received my endowments, I have loved wearing the garment. It makes me feel good.

I appreciate the rich symbolism of expressing my temple covenants in a physical way. I like the spiritual protection I receive from the garment against temptation. However, I don't believe that wearing garments offers extraordinary physical protection.

In this case, I think Daryl* and his wife were engaging in magical thinking, which is human nature, but not factually sound. I was polite and didn't say anything about it, though. I definitely don't want to upset their own faith.

* Daryl is not his real name.

Dreaming of Freedom

I often find myself staring out the window while at work, gazing at the blue and gray Wasatch mountains, ancient and resolute, hiding some world of wonder behind them. I watch slim twenty-something women walking in the parking lot below, and wonder what it would be like to know them.

I find myself fantasizing that I am somewhere else, or someone else. Dreaming that I am handsome, rich, immortal, charismatic, or brilliant. I dream of unbridled freedom. I can pick up and live in Ireland for a season if I wish; I can learn how to paint, or play an instrument, or explore a remote jungle. When life begins to feel too stale and ordinary, I can just move on to the next adventure, just as I may scan a peach tree and select the fattest and juiciest fruit.

In practice, however, I am chained to my responsibilities. There is always someone to please, someone who has expectations of me. My family expects me to provide them with a living, and care for them, and love them. My neighbors expect me to keep my yard neat. My supervisor expects me to be at work for 9 hours a day and be productive. Church, family, and friends all expect me to reach out in some way or another to causes beyond the limits of my own desire.

In my imaginative trance, these expectations do not exist. I am beholden only to my own ego and whim. I enumerate all the things I would buy and places I would visit if I keep my generous income to myself, if I were free from the needs of tithing, taxes, and the hungry mouths at home. I think of all the long walks I would take, the fascinating books I would read, and the new foods I would eat, if I had time in the day.

Have I always been so self-centered, or is this a new development? Is my yearning for something greater a hearkening to the old mysticism which I have abandoned? I admit that since losing my faith, I am in a state of transition and confusion. Anomie swirls about me like a blinding mist. I am not certain of any belief anymore, and I struggle to find profound meaning in my life. I am diffident about committing to any idea which requires a leap of faith. Should I suppress my forbidden knowledge and return to blissful ignorance? Should I abandon my inhibitions and recklessly pour out my new philosophy upon the world? Or, should I remain in-between, tepid, impotent, and ineffectual? How do I satisfy my hunger for freedom, without betraying what I already have and love?

Makeup Sex is the Best Kind

My wife and I had an argument last night. It's a rare occurrence. After we put the kids to bed, we talked for an hour or two. We openly shared our feelings, we laughed, and we settled our differences. By the end of it, I was feeling very good and very happy with our relationship.

Naturally, I wanted to seal the deal with some reconciliatory lovemaking. She was too tired. It's just part of the yin and yang of our relationship, I guess. When I'm cynical, she's happy; when I'm happy, she's cynical. When I want to go out, she wants to stay home; when I want to stay home, she wants to go out. We balance each other out.

I expect we'll practice the marital act tonight. It won't be quite as sweet as just after resolving a fight, but it ought to be good anyway. Next time we fight, I'll make sure to have it finished early with plenty of time left over for us to fully express our forgiveness towards one another.

How would my life be different if I were not Mormon?

If I stopped being Mormon tomorrow, how would my life be different? I have no intention of leaving the Church, because I like it, and I think it's more good than bad. So this is really just a mental exercise. It's part of keeping an open mind. So, would my life be turned upside down if I left the Church? Probably not.

I consider substance abuse to be vulgar, so I wouldn't start using alcohol, drugs, tobacco, or coffee. (I do eat a lot of ice cream, though, which is kind of against the spirit of the Word of Wisdom. As long as I stay at 130lbs., though, I think I will continue to abuse the creamy, delicious substance, Mormon or not.) My class snobbery would also prevent me from taking up swearing or wearing sleeveless shirts. I mean, come on. I don't live in a trailer.

I wouldn't be unfaithful to my wife, because I feel a deep sense of loyalty to her and the children. Plus, it's not like hot women are throwing themselves at me anyway. Or even not-hot women.

I wouldn't stop paying tithing, because our household finances are all held in common, and my wife would want to keep paying it. Fast offerings, too. Withholding these from her would make me feel like a selfish jerk.

I'm not going to get Sundays off, either. It's likely that my wife would exploit my churchlessness to make me get the kids ready for church in the morning or do the dishes while she's away. "It's not like you've got anything better to do," she might say, "so you may as well get something helpful done while we're gone at church." It wouldn't make for a very relaxing nor satisfying Sabbath.

Before I went to the temple, I used to wear a cotton T-shirt and boxer briefs under my clothes, which is pretty much the same as the garments I wear now. So even that would be almost identical.

The only things I can think of which would change are negative. I wouldn't be able to participate in priesthood ceremonies. My kids would have to be baptized by some other dude. People would stop asking me to offer prayers. I'd have a lot of awkward conversations with people when they ask something about church and I tell them I'm not a member anymore. My neighbors would avoid me at the supermarket.

On the plus side, I'd be free to engage in loud laughter and lightmindedness. And I wouldn't have to call people and bug them about whether they got their home teaching done. Nevertheless, I'm sure I am happier in the church than I would be out of it. I don't think I'm really missing anything by being a member that I would indulge in if I weren't. Except, maybe, the loud laughter.

Where Does All the Tithing Go?

The annual budget for the Elder's Quorum in my ward is only $150.00. It's been almost enough to buy dessert for one activity and breakfast for another. So we end up doing our activities on the cheap, if at all.

In a middle-class ward like mine, I would guess that the average family income is probably about $50,000 a year. If we have about 40 families paying a full tithe, that means the ward would be grossing around $200,000.00 per year. This would be plenty of money to pay for maintaining the building and have a ton left over for some flippin' awesome ward activities, even if we only kept 10% of it for local uses.

Of course, the ward sees very little of that. I would guess that most of it goes to buying and developing real estate, running the Church Education System, and to the missionary program.

Those are all worthy things, but are they the absolute best use of the Lord's funds? Maybe they are, and maybe they are not. It's a discussion which average, paying members of the Church are not invited to participate in. The Church doesn't even publish vague financial reports of how much money that collect and what it basically gets spent on.

There is a retired couple in my stake who went on a mission to New York a couple years ago. For their mission, they met with ambassadors from the United Nations in order to increase the Church's influence abroad. They gave a talk in my ward a few months back and discussed their experiences. They would frequently take ambassadors out to fancy dinners, Broadway plays, etc., all using the Lord's sacred funds. It must have cost a fortune. And yet we can't even get the noisy men's room fan fixed in our ward house. Seriously, it's like listening to a sick jet engine every time I go in there.

I have always paid a full tithing, which is fine with me. I can spare 10% of my income for a good cause. But I would feel better about paying tithing if I knew there was some accountability in how it gets spent. For all I know, the brethren could be spending it on hookers and blow.

If You Haven't Got It, Don't Flaunt It

Have you ever noticed that the women most likely to dress immodestly are those least qualified to do so? I have. Like, at the mall, the ones with the bare midriffs are usually on the chubby side, to be generous. Just lettin' it all hang out.

Well, I was at a pool party last night, and a relative of mine, whom I will call Diane*, wore some kind of one-piece bikini. I'm sure she thought it was super hot and super modest, but it really didn't look good on her. Her boyish figure had no shape to hold it up. My wife, on the other hand, has ample, bountiful bosoms, but doesn't like to show off.

The swimsuit made me gag, not only because Diane* was half-naked, but also because it was like looking at a 10-year-old boy. Or Robin Monroe in Six Days Seven Nights. I didn't say anything because I wanted to be polite, but I hope she never wears it again.

We ought to have some standards of decency. I encourage women everywhere to dress modestly and respectfully. Especially if they are not hot.

* Name changed to protect the innocent. And so I don't get hate mail from my relatives.

Being the Kind of Person I Would Want to Marry

In my youth, I used to make a lot of lists. One list I used to keep was one of requirements in a future wife. Since families are forever, you only get one chance at this thing, so you had better pick a good woman. Marriage is serious business to Mormons.

So, this morning I was thinking, hypothetically, about what that list would be like now. If I were to be evaluating women for marriage, what would I look for? Here's the list of personality traits I came up with:

1. She's happy, cheerful, and optimistic. She keeps things positive. She is not bubbly or giggly, but she is not bitter or depressed either. A solemn, sincere, deep happiness.
2. She takes good care of her physical appearance. She has good teeth and hair. She is physically fit and healthy. She smiles a lot and has good skin. She dresses well.
3. She's polite and kind. She treats others with empathy and respect. She is honest, clean, and virtuous.
4. She has friends and family who are upright and successful. She expects those around her to follow a strict code of conduct.
5. She does interesting things. She goes places and experiences life first-hand. She is involved in interesting pursuits and activities.

I went through this exercise because a recent post at By Common Consent caught my attention. It's about a woman who wanted to marry a doctor and then--surprise--became a doctor herself instead. It occurred to me that the reason I would want to marry a woman who is cheerful, polite, and clean, is because that's the kind of life I want to live myself, and a wife with those traits would facilitate that.

So, how am I measuring up?

1. I used to be very optimistic and happy, but my mood has been kind of dark lately. My religious faith, which used to be a source of happiness for me, has suffered. My job is getting progressively less interesting and more drudgery. I spend most of my time, both at work and home, doing things I don't enjoy but which other people want me to do. I'm anxious about the economy. All these things have kept me from exercising my normally very positive disposition.
2. I only do the bare minimum in the physical appearance department. I go to the gym occasionally, and I keep myself washed and clean, but I could be doing more. I should wear slacks more often instead of jeans; I should buy more new, well-fitting clothing. I ought to get my hair cut more frequently and shave closer. The root problem is that I am tired all the time (from working long hours, babysitting, and staying up too late so I can actually talk to my wife now and then.) Also, I feel guilty spending time or money on myself, since I feel like I ought to be giving it all to my family.
3. I'm usually nice to people, but I don't make a special effort. I ought to make a goal to facilitate happiness in others, and stick to it, even if it means going out of my way to talk to or visit people. I have also become kind of selfish and greedy lately. I disparage the poor, I resent paying tithing, and I pirate software. I should strive to live with more integrity. I should be more generous with strangers.
   
4. Most of my family is poor (I can't help that), and I don't have many good friends otherwise. My father is in prison. I don't really know how to do better in this part; maybe by buying a house in a new subdivision and getting friendly with the neighbors? Most of my current neighbors are old.
5. I get on kicks sometimes where I make things, which is fun, but I don't have the time to do any serious recreation. It's hard to find time for any of this because my children are very young and require a lot of time and attention; and my wife often needs me to babysit so she can have time alone to do her homework for school. My work has demanded that we put in more time lately, so I'm gone from home for about 10 1/2 hours a day. I don't know how to fit interesting activities into my schedule.

So, I've got some things to work on. I'll start today. Maybe by being a better person, I can improve the lives of those around me, and be happier too.

Marriage: An Eternal Life Sentence

I never really got into dating like I assume most guys do. I met my wife when we were 16; we immediately fell in love, and we got married during our second semester of college. We've been married for six years now and we have two kids. Our relationship is great, we're best friends, and she's a very good wife and mother. (She's also extremely good at cooking, but by some miracle I am still thin.) We're happy together.

It gets kind of boring sometimes, though. I miss the the thrill of the chase. Our relationship in High School was exciting. I miss those early tingles of excitement, falling in love, and our first kiss. I miss making out for hours at a time and writing love notes. Given the choice between dating and being married, though, I'd definitely choose marriage. For all the highs of dating, there were just as many lows. Marriage is kind of level all the time, which is solid, safe, and predictable. I like predictable.

Although I went on a few token dates with other girls before I was married, in order to avoid steady-dating, these dates never went anywhere. I've never kissed any girl other than my wife. While this feeds my purity ethic really well, it also leaves me curious about how my life would be if I had dated around more before getting married. Is the grass really greener on the other side?

I should make it clear that I am not interested in leaving my wife or having an affair. For one thing, I've got very high standards for a mistress, which makes an opportunity for cheating unlikely. For example, one of my requirements is that she be younger than me, which automatically excludes all the women at work. There's no one in my social network right now who meets my eligibility criteria, so I think I am safe for now. I'd like to say that I'm simply immune to being attracted to other women, but let's face it, there's some point at which everyone would crack, myself included. In the mean time, I maintain a healthy respect of my own human weaknesses.

I used to have a fair number of female friends when I was a teenager. Not anymore. Outside of my family, I don't have any female friends. Not one. I understand this is a fairly common phenomenon for married Mormons. I miss the mixed-gender associations I used to have, though. I miss dating, laughing, flirting, or just having fun with girls. It made me feel happy and successful, especially when my wit was on and they would laugh at my jokes.

Given the alternatives, I think marriage is the best option. But sometimes it can feel like a life sentence. I miss being young and free. I'm only 25, but I feel much older.

A Brief Overview of My Mormon Heresy

I grew up as a faithful Mormon, but my faith is not what it used to be. There are a number of important doctrines of the Church which I no longer believe. However, I am still active and trying to work through these difficulties. I'm Mormon through-and-through, and I don't want to give up on my religion, because it's a very important part of my heritage and my identity.

So, here is a list of issues I have with the Church:

1. The Book of Abraham is supposedly a literal translation from Egyptian papyrus. Modern Egyptologists have translated the original text and come up with totally different results than Joseph Smith did. This suggests that Joseph Smith probably just made it up. And if he did, then maybe he made up much of the rest of his revelations, too.
   
2. There is strong evidence in favor of human descent via the Theory of Evolution. While this does not disprove the existence of God (an impossible feat), it does present a plausible alternative to the Mormon creation myth. It also disproves a number of theological points, including the age of the earth, the Bible's genealogy, Adam and Eve, etc.
3. Our doctrine keeps evolving. It's not the same as it was 100 years ago. The Church has changed her beliefs about polygamy, blacks and the priesthood, etc. If past doctrines were wrong, and changed later because of further light and knowledge, then present doctrines may also be wrong.
   
4. Church leaders aren't perfect. The Church doesn't officially say they are perfect. However, talks on obedience to Priesthood authority imply that we should follow our leaders as if they were perfect. So, in practice, we have a doctrine of prophetic infallability. This makes the Church membership vulnerable to being led astray when a Church leader is wrong.
   
5. Wilford Woodruff, as the prophet, said in very strong words that polygamy was an everlasting principle and that the Church would never give it up--even going so far as to say that if the Church did give up the principle, then the priesthood would be taken away from the Church and given to a more righteous people. A few years later, he capitulated and the Church gave up the doctrine of polygamy. So he was obviously wrong. Thus, a prophet's strong, prophetic statements can't be relied on as truth, and therefore the office of Prophet, Seer, and Revelator does not warrant the great amount of deference we show it.
   
6. As scientific knowledge grows, more and more phenomena are explained by natural, rational means. I believe that all of our physical and personal characteristics can be explained by our biology and our environment. I think that our doctrine of spirit-body dualism is not supported by evidence, and that we probably don't have spirits, but only bodies. If we do have spirits, why do people have skitzophrenia or Down's syndrome? If their spiritual intelligence and personality are completely limited by their physical weaknesses, then how do we know that a spiritual intelligence and personality actually exist? There is little or no evidence to support the existance of a spirit, and therefore an afterlife.